WHILE everyone was rushing about mounting their Christmas parties, shopping for gifts for loved ones, and getting stuck in holiday traffic, one-time child star Aiza Seguerra wed her longtime partner Liza Diño in a “private and intimate ceremony” in California.
Of course there were a number who raised eyebrows at this union warning of fire and brimstone to rain on the two, but, generally, I think same-sex marriage is a concept most Filipinos are beginning to accept, no matter one’s religious persuasion.
Indeed, for most people in committed relationships, a marriage is the most natural step for them to take to formalize their coupling and share to the rest of the world their devotion and longing to be together for the rest of their lives.
So why should marriage be the exclusive prerogative of heterosexual couples? I’ve always thought it should be an option for anyone, regardless of race, nationality, religious or spiritual beliefs, or gender.
Love is love. It chooses you. And when it does, who should say you can’t be with the one you love forever?
So when I saw photos of my Los Angeles-based friend Chet Vergara and his partner Neil Kaminsky being married and dancing at their reception in August, I couldn’t help but cheer! At one point, this time in a video clip, Chet even sang so sweetly to Neil…sigh. It so moved me to tears; it was palpable how much love they had for each other. (On the other hand, I was shocked that Chet could actually carry a tune! Hahaha. Joke!) I’ve known Chet since college, as we were both enrolled in the same department, but lost touch with him after graduation.
It was only six years ago that we found each other via Facebook. (Oh the magic of the Internet!) I found out that he had moved to the US permanently, almost right after college, and now works as a fashion graphic artist for a private label company that does work for Target and Wal-Mart. He says that even while in college, he was already fascinated by fashion.
Neil, on the other hand, is Jewish and grew up in Brooklyn. He is a licensed clinical social worker and has written three books on gay relationships, the last one titled Man Talk: The Gay Couple’s Communication Guide. Neil is currently working on a few other books.
In this interview via e-mail, Chet tells me a bit about his relationship with Neil and why they finally tied the knot.
How did you and Neil meet?
I first met Neil in 2000 when I was working in San Francisco. We met at a disco bowling event hosted by a Gay Asian American Group. He did not return my phone calls so I figured he wasn’t interested. I ran into him again at a Halloween party and I thought I would introduce him to my friend who was visiting at the time. We ended up going on our first date together.
What were his qualities that endeared him to you?
I’ve always been interested in older men. He is smart and funny. He makes me laugh and he is my biggest fan (I think).
Were you open with your family about your relationship with Neil? What did they think about him?
Not at first. When I moved back to LA from San Francisco, I told my mom that I was taking an apartment with a “roommate”. I think she got the message. Then I started to bring Neil home for Christmas. The only person who was aware of my relationship at any level was my brother and he was OK with it. We just never discussed it and they all just accepted Neil as part of the family. I spoke to some of my Hispanic friends and they have the same experience. It’s never brought up, it just seems to be “handled”. With utmost delicadeza of course!
I noticed from your FB posts that you both travel a lot and eat out always.
If it were up to me, we would just stay at home and stare at the dog (Farfel) or watch a movie on TV together. He likes it when I cook. We do love to take cruises, travel and, yes, eat out. We like to entertain friends at home when our busy schedules allow it.
How long before you finally decided to move in together? And what made you say yes?
We were two to three years into the relationship (with one break in between).
Neil took a job in LA so we decided to move here together. It just made sense. It was my first time moving in with someone so it was an adventure. Moving from SF to LA was an adventure in itself. I know people often break up after they move to a new place. Neil has been in one long-term relationship and this was my first. When you have been independent for so long and suddenly you to share your life with another person, there is a lot of adjustment to be made. I had a very long learning curve.
What made you finally decided to tie the knot?
That’s more complicated. I’d been resigned, as most gay men were, that marriage would never become an option, so it was not even something I desired. I was content to just have the partner, the house and the dog. Even the lawyer did not recommend a domestic partnership or marriage in another state (this was before gay marriage was allowed in California).
We had to have paperwork drawn up to protect us in case of the inevitable (e.g., health directives, revocable trusts, etc.). By the time it was said and done, the lawyer said we essentially drew up a pre-nup! So when gay marriage became legal (the first round) in California, there was no real rush to get married. Then it got revoked.
By the time it got reinstated, Neil and I had a difficult year in 2013 and we both just mutually decided that marriage would be a great way to celebrate our relationship and commitment to each other.
There was no formal proposal like in hetero relationships. Neil has always put it on the table. We already had “commitment” rings, so marriage was a natural next step. Although I could not have a $25-million pink diamond engagement ring, I did insist on Cartier wedding bands.
When Neil and I decided to get married, we did make a trip to Las Vegas to see my parents so Neil could ask for their blessing. They were very receptive to it.
Now that you’re married, do you feel any difference? Is there some change in the relationship? Do you like being married?
Yes. I like being married. We’re both much calmer and “aware” of the other.
Are you thinking of adopting children? What are your views on this?
Neil and I are happy with a dog. We both don’t want children. I do understand other couples that want children to complete their family.
What can you tell our readers about being in a same-sex relationship or marriage? Do you have any advice for other gay couples thinking of taking the plunge?
I think marriage is marriage. Whether gay or straight, you commit to being there for one another and be each other’s strength. It’s not something to be taken lightly or done on a whim. It needs to be entered into with a lot of thought and consideration. At its core, it’s a celebration and public validation of one’s love for another.
It’s important to note that when I was growing up, I had a lot of positive “gay” role models from teachers and uncles (who were not out but obviously had tendencies) to a dear family friend who now runs O Bar. So, options were not limited to being a parlorista, costurera or priesthood (which I considered).
Young people today are very lucky to have positive gay role models like Tim Cook (CEO of Apple) or even celebrities.
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A few days ago, Scotland became the latest country to allow same-sex marriage, despite opposition from the Church of Scotland and the Roman Catholic Church. I caught a news clip of the first couple that took advantage of this recently passed law, and I can’t forget what one of the partners said: “We’re not outsiders anymore!”
If we are to be an inclusive society where every citizen is a productive member, contributing to global economic peace and prosperity, all peoples—regardless of race, gender or nationality—have to be treated as equals.
I have no doubt a law on same-sex marriage in the Philippines will be approved in our lifetime.
Image credits: Virgilio Vergara