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WHEN we were kids, a lot of us grew up in an environment where mistakes were frowned upon. Whether we accidentally spilled our juice or left something behind, you could expect that look of disappointment or an adult’s shrill reprimand. The message was: You were not careful and you put resources to waste.
When I was 6, we had a Sony TV in our room. After my homework, I would typically watch Batibot, a local children’s show. That day the TV was unplugged. I took a breath, plugged it—and the TV got broken. I had plugged into a 220v socket a 110v TV. I told my parents what happened. They said it needed to get brought to a repair shop, so there will be no TV for a few days. From then on, I would always look at the voltage of any appliance I plugged in.
When I was in college, I worked as a brand assistant part time. I was handling this new brand, we had no budget, and home TV shopping was new. I went to the Benpres Building and presented to Rica Lopez. After a few meetings, the deal was closed. The sales didn’t meet expectations, however. My dad said it wasn’t wrong to have tried. I was deeply grateful for that “nonreprimanding” moment.
These are just some examples of how I formed my view of mistakes. What I’ve learned is that when you view these “oops” as a negative, you want to get through them as quickly as possible.
There are feelings of embarrassment, self-doubt and the desire to escape. It took a long journey for me to change my view. Amid the mistakes, especially the most difficult ones, I remember telling myself that, one day, you will laugh at this moment. Thankfully, it does happen. More than that, the fear of making a mistake slowly fades.
Today I try to impart this to my kids. I call it the “oops-laughter-learning journey”. When my kids make mistakes, I tell them these will pass; that they will laugh at these when they look back one day; and that they should instead value the lesson and growth.
For me, it’s that initial “thud” when your child makes a mistake that is most crucial. If the feeling is negative at the onset, then a fear of making mistakes develops. I choose to be “light” at the first thud, and then explain substance and corrections later.
I remember during a trip to Hong Kong with my daughter, the safe in the hotel room fascinated her. She put her precious pencil case inside. On our flight back, she started to cry right before takeoff. She forgot her pencil case. Right away, I told her not to worry, that there’s a solution to everything. I called the hotel to retrieve it and store it. A colleague in the office was flying to Hong Kong the next month. I told Meagan to personally ask Charlotte, my colleague, a favor to bring back her pencil case.
In that entire month, my daughter worriedly asked me each week if someone was going to Hong Kong. While Charlotte was in Hong Kong, she asked every day if Charlotte was back in Manila. Meagan got her pencil case back. She was very grateful both to Charlotte and to the experience. Today this distressing incident has become a funny anecdote we often tell about our travels.
I believe that mistakes are part of our kids’ future. I believe that as much as math and reading needs practice, so does dealing with mistakes. I try to introduce play activities that foster this.
When they face challenging situations, how do kids deal with that fear at the pit of their stomach? Do they cry? Do they blame others? Do they run away? The truth is how we deal with mistakes greatly influences how our kids deal with the same. This is especially true in our “first reactions,” because this sets the tone. Do we get furious at the onset? On the other hand, if mistakes are shoved aside, then kids develop a tolerance to negative behavior.
For me, there is no one way to dealing with those “oops” moments. The main principle I follow is: How do I make it a learning journey? Below are some points I consider.
■ Was it intentional? If it were an accident, then I first say, “It’s okay. Things happen.” Then, I say, “Next time let’s be careful so we do not waste resources.”
■ Can this be an opportunity for “problemsolving”? When we were in Ogawa, Marcus, at 6, spilled his miso soup three times. Each time, I did not show frustration. After the third time, I asked him why he thought the soup spilled. We later concluded that the soup was placed to his right. Now, he is conscious to always put his bowl on his upper-right hand side.
■ Is the mistake recurring? My daughter always forgets her things. Since these are school materials like a pen, I would easily replace it for her. Reminding her did not help. Recently, she forgot her new uniform during a play date. Her other two uniforms were a bit tight but still usable. I told her to look for it but I did not see concern for her mistake. Now, she has to make do with her tight uniforms.
■ How does my child process his “oops” moments? My kids are quite intense with mistakes. It is a continuing process of “breathing,” understanding and learning. I value the self-awareness I slowly see.
More than this, I find joy when they actually start finding solutions on their own.