MOST parents today have several kids. We all want each child to be happyand fulfilled.
How much does our role as parents affect this? Is there a formula for “sibling success”?
From our own experiences and those of people around us, we see families with varied results. There are families where the eldest stands as the most able, who leads his or her family and family business to success. There are cases where the eldest takes the back seat, and a younger sibling takes on the leadership role. There are siblings who disappear and choose to stay as far away as possible from family matters. I often wonder: Do these distinct circumstances just naturally happen?
I’m aware of my idealism that each child in a family can be happy and fulfilled. Some may argue that each child has different inherent capabilities. One sibling is just smarter than the other. One sibling just has more ability than the other. So, does this mean success is more inevitable for the more gifted child?
I firmly believe this isn’t the case. I always believe that parenting and the child’s will combine to play a pivotal role in achieving fulfillment in life. This view was further strengthened after reading an article, titled “The Secrets of Super Siblings” by Charlotte Alter, in Time Magazine last year. It’s about how nine families were able to raise siblings with extraordinary success. They featured the following siblings:
- Simmons—Rapper and reality star Rev Run, painter and philanthropist Danny, Def Jam cofounder and hip-hop mogul Russel
- Antonoff—Grammy-winning musician Jack, fashion designer Rachel
- Srinivasan—Yahoo’s fifth employee Srinija, US Court of Appeals Judge Sri, interim deputy chief of the San Mateo County health system Srija
- Dungey—Alias and Once Upon a Time actor Merrin, ABC Entertainment Group president Channing
- Lin—Artist and Vietnam Veterans Memorial architect Maya, poet and author Tan
- Rodriguez—Physician and clinic director Rebecca, Jane the Virgin star Gina, private equity partner Ivelisse
- Gay—Civil engineer Michael Jr., best-selling author and New York Times writer Roxane, Energy Recovery CEO Joel Roxane
- Emanuel—University of Pennsylvania Vice Provost of Global Initiatives Zeke, Mayor of Chicago Rahm, Hollywood superagent Ari
- Wojcicki—Epidemiologist at UCSF Janet, YouTube CEO Susan, cofounder and CEO of genetics company 23andME Anne
There were the commonalities, discovered by Alter, among some or all of the families. I have put down notes of those that struck me most.
IMMIGRANT DRIVE
- Parent-teachers. There was an academic environment, encouraging discussions of complex ideas and questions. It shares my belief that the first few years of a child’s life are among the most important for learning and brain development. Seven of the nine families had a parent who was a teacher. A lot of them recalled early supplementary lessons, books read aloud, regular library trips, even at-home worksheets to give them an early boost in school.
POLITICAL ACTIVISM
- Controlled chaos. There were rifts with parents, regular and trivial sibling fights. Writes Atler: “Though few people openly admit it, sibling rivalry can motivate achievement,” said New York University psychologist Ben Dattner: “Winning a Nobel Prize is a more civilized way of beating the crap out of your brother.”
- Lessons in mortality. The Antonoffs said they’re motivated by a constant awareness of their own mortality. This awareness can fuel ambition. Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel says that, after he battled a life-threatening infection, he became transformed from slacker student to a go-getter.
- Free-range childhood. The Lin siblings said they were allowed to do practically anything they wanted. This is the opposite of helicopter parenting. Esther Wojcicki has a theory. “The more you do for your kids, the less they do for themselves, and the less empowered they feel,” she said.
The article concludes by stating that none of the parents in the story set out to raise successful children. Instead, the six commonalities of the nine families combined to engender great drive, grit and social consciousness that propelled all the siblings on their chosen paths.
This article brought about a lot of memories from my own upbringing. It made me grateful that there are many points in the article that I can relate to my own growing-up. The most important realization for me is that, as parents, we set the initial pace for our child’s future fulfillment. If we do not deal with our own “sibling issues”, it is likely we bring this angst and its consequences to our own families.
Next week, I will share some of these experiences, along with some of my own principles on sibling success. n