TWO years ago, my husband and I were invited to give a talk about marriage by our Catholic Church group called Single Young Adults of which we had been members  since our dating years.   My assigned topic was how to know when one is ready for marriage.  Or more specifically, from a Catholic’s point of view, how did I know when I found Mr. Right.

So there I was, newly married, facing twenty-some single hearts, eagerly wanting to hear what a newly married Catholic had to say.  I started by saying that I didn’t really know a lot of things about marriage, until I actually got into it.  For me, I just wanted to make sure I finished my law studies, landed a stable job in a good law firm and was ready to spend the rest of my life with a man who shared my Catholic values.  These were the minimum requirements I had for myself.  It was only during the first year of my marriage that I realized that these “minimum requirements” evolved into a solid foundation that would later became my golden advise to all my single girlfriends, colleagues and everyone else who approached me about the topic of marriage and finding Mr. Right.

My golden advice consists of five basic elements that not just one partner but both must possess, or must have the potential of possessing, at the time of marriage.

Financial readiness

BOTH partners must be financially prepared at the time of marriage.  Although I am a firm believer that it is the husband who should be the primary provider of the family and the home, the wife must contribute her share.

For the future wife, financial readiness means you are able to support yourself, even without the help of your husband or your parents.  Will you be able to provide for your own basic necessities, even without your husband’s income?

For the future husband, are you ready to support not only your own basic necessities, but also your wife’s, children and the household?  Being a Catholic, I firmly believe it is the husband who should be the primary provider for the whole family.  Did you ever notice that during the wedding ceremony, the exchange of the wedding symbols is done equally between the groom and the bride, all except for the exchange of the arrhae (coins)?  The arrhae is the symbol of support and prosperity and it is only the groom who gives this to his bride, and not vice-versa.  This is to symbolize the groom’s willingness to support and provide for his wife, and all of the children that they both shall be blessed with.

But depending on the financial situation of the married couple, the wife should also contribute when able.  However, based on what I had observed over the years, both from young and old couples, to avoid financial quarrels, the most ideal arrangement would be if whatever income the wife makes is merely a contribution to the marriage, while the income that the husband makes would provide for both the ordinary and extraordinary expenses of the whole family, home and household.

Of course, this would be the most ideal.  I must admit that there is “unfairness” in this arrangement.  However, I also believe that if men and women were to accept this, it would be the best formula for a financially harmonious relationship.  For example, in our relationship, my husband just works, works and works, and then turns over all of his income to me, which I, in turn, manage very responsibly.  According to a finance guru, Mr. Chinky Tan, the spouse who manages the finances need not always be the wife.  It is not a gender issue.  Rather, the management shall belong to the thriftier spouse.  And between my husband and I, that would definitely be me!  In turn, my husband’s income is what takes care of all the expenses for the family.  Then whatever income I earn is what goes to our long-term savings.  My income is also what I use to enjoy my personal expenses.

I believe that it is always best to follow what financial advisers, and even what the elders say when it comes to financial matters of the heart.  After all, as the saying goes, “money is the root of all evil.”  Hence, it would be best to stay away from money quarrels at all costs.

Spiritual readiness

BOTH the man and the woman must accept that when they enter into marriage, there are actually three parties: the groom, the bride, and Christ who shall always remain at the center of their marriage.  Our parish priest would always tell the women in our Single Young Adults community that when we get married in the altar of Christ, we are actually marrying two men, our groom and Jesus Christ.

This means that for every decision we make, whether big or small, we must always ask ourselves, “what would Christ do if He were me in this situation?  Which path do we take that is in accordance with His will?”  By having this strong faith early on in your marriage, you can be assured that you will be making the best decisions.  The choices and decisions we make may not always seem or feel right at the start, but if they are decisions made with Christ, they will come out to be the best decisions.

Emotional readiness

WE spend months preparing for the wedding day, which actually just lasts for one day.  But we are only required to attend a pre-marriage seminar in preparation for marriage for 1-2 days at most.  Yet, marriage lasts for a lifetime.

Before walking down the aisle, you must ask yourself, “Are you really ready to take on the role of husband or wife?  Do you really understand and fully accept this?  Do you really know what you’re getting into?”

A change of status, from single to married, means a change of your whole entire self.  Although it is left unnoticed during the start of a marriage, this is simply not a change of homes, or a change of outlook in life.  This is a total acceptance of your spouse’s past, present and future, whoever and whatever your spouse turns out to be.  This means the total acceptance of his surroundings, background, his family (your future in-laws), his friends, his occupation, his time and his interests.  This also means the total acceptance of his character, attitudes, and change in attitudes, moods and whatever else occurs under the sun for all the days of your lives.

Under the law, “a husband and a wife are obliged to live together, observe mutual love, respect and fidelity, and render mutual help and support.”  If you are not emotionally cut out to accept all of these obligations, then it would be best to postpone, or even cancel the wedding.

Physical readiness

I AM a firm believer that one, if not the main, purpose of a marriage is to procreate.  Hence, I believe that when one enters a marriage, it would be ideal if both are within the child-bearing years.  There are times when the wife is within her child-bearing years, yet the husband is too old to procreate, or vice-versa.  I believe this combination does not make them physically “right” for each other.    Both partners, as much as possible, should be within the same age range, and not too far apart.

Both partners should also be “willing” to procreate.  Under several Supreme
Court rulings, “willingness to procreate” is now a duty and obligation in a marriage.  It is only when both parties are willing that they will be considered physically ideal for each other.

Mental readiness

IT is important to be able to relate well with your partner.  Oftentimes, the perfect match is when the two of you share the same interests, beliefs, hobbies, activities, educational or even work backgrounds.

For example, my husband is a graduate of Masters in Real-Estate Development at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in the US.  I am a graduate of law.  We both studied far beyond our college degrees, and together, we make great business partners.  I am able to help him in different legal aspects in all of his work, and he, in turn, teaches me to expand my knowledge and skills beyond law practice.

Nobody wants to be a bore.  One way to keep your conversations in a marriage interesting is by devoting yourself to continuous learning, trying new activities or simply reading the newspapers daily.  Then together, you can talk about current events, or the new things that you discovered.   It is always good to keep both of your minds running.

In hindsight, when I was looking for Mr. Right, I realized that it wasn’t so much in making sure that he possessed these five elements;  what was important was that early on, I possessed all of them.   So instead of just looking for Mr. Right, you yourself should already be a potential Mrs. Right.  I realized that everything had to start with myself.  In fact, as the saying goes, “you end up becoming like your partner.”

I consider myself lucky.  I got married at 32 years old, had a stable career, and was financially independent.  I even got to check off all of the items on my “To-do list while Single,” such as work abroad in my dream law firm, as well as be part of films and TV shows shot in Hollywood.  I was in the state wherein, literally, the next logical step was marriage.

But don’t get me wrong.  For me, age is not a factor when one is to tie the knot.  I know of a couple that got married when the man was 21 years old, and the woman 19.  But even at that young age, they both already possessed all five elements.  To this day, they are happily married.  Age is just numbers.  What is important is that whatever age you may be, you possess all five elements when you enter a marriage.

Today, I am happily married to Rj Ledesma, and we are blessed with one gorgeous daughter, and another one on the way!  Rj and I had put up a business together called Mercato Centrale, on top of our own jobs (Rj has eight while I have three other jobs).  And in these 12 jobs in total, both of us play a big role for each other.  Hence, life for Rj and I is far from being a bore.  He also proudly provides for all of our family’s needs.  And I am happy about this.  We are active members of Couples of Christ, and soon to come, Married Young Adults which is the married version of the Single Young Adults community that we had been members of for more than seven years.

Indeed, in finding Mr. Right, I did not expect Rj to have all five elements right from the start.  Rather, I made sure that not only did I possess them myself, but that he would also have the potential of acquiring them as well.