BACK in college, I judged a debate competition and the topic was: “Which of the two is more important, spending quantity or quality time with your children.”  I can never forget this debate because I always thought that quality of time with your children far outweighs quantity of time.  However, the debate proved the reverse when the side proving quantity of time with your children presented more convincing evidence, based on research by child psychologists.  And this was when I realized that perhaps one day, when I become a mother, I should look into spending as much time with my children versus substituting more time over quality time with them.

Fast-forward 12 years later, with much blessings, I found my Mr. Right, got married, and I got pregnant during our honeymoon.  While I was pregnant, I clearly recall moments of panic about trying to figure out all the things that I needed to buy for our upcoming baby.  I was in a scurry to find a good yaya, I wanted to get the perfect crib, and would spend days trying to figure out how many feeding bottles and receiving blankets were truly enough. Until one day, my pre-natal yoga instructor told me, “Vanessa, you are all that your baby needs.”

She was right.

For the 10-and-a-half months I was breastfeeding our baby, I did not need much at all.  And neither did our little girl.  She practically lived in my arms for 10 whole months.  All she truly needed was her mother during this delicate period of time.  This brought me to my decision to become a “present mom.”

A “present mom” may be defined as one who chooses and enjoys the presence of her child almost every moment of her child’s childhood life.  She is not a full-time working mom.  She does not have a 9 a.m.-5 p.m. job.  But neither is she a “hands-on mom,” nor a full-time housewife.  Her child may or may not have a yaya, but if the child has a yaya, the latter is only there to “assist” the mother in the proper handling of her child, as opposed to the yaya “substituting” the mother’s place while the latter is away for work.

For example, in the Pastor-Ledesma home, a typical day would be me working in front of my computer as I watch, using my peripheral vision, my daughter doing all of her activities throughout the day.  Hence, I am able to primarily supervise all of her activities as opposed to her yaya doing it in my stead.  More important, I am able to control her environment by making sure that she is not watching too closely, nor too much TV, that she is behaving around her cousins and playmates, and that in case of an emergency, I am present and on top of the situation.

I believe this is the best mother-child relationship and arrangement because as a mother, you have full control of your child’s environment.  You also enjoy the best of both worlds since you are still a working mom and, at the same time, you are a pseudo hands-on mom.  You are still able to pursue your career and not put to waste your years of education and experience.  You even get to earn on your own and possibly contribute to your family’s income. Yet you get to see your child grow up every single moment of his childhood.

Research tells us that, especially during the tender age of zero to 2 years old, the child needs to remain very close to his parents, especially the mother.  In fact, under the law (Art. 213[2] of the Family Code), “No child under seven years of age shall be separated from the mother unless the court finds compelling reasons to order otherwise.” Hence, my advice to all mothers with children of tender years is this:  Your child will grow up so fast.  Try not to miss any moment of it!

I consider myself lucky.  The moment I found out I was pregnant, I immediately set a meeting with my boss in the law firm where I used to work full time.  My boss is both the “managing partner” and a “named partner” of the firm.  Hence, proposing to him a certain arrangement favorable to me, which had never been done before by any legal associate in the firm, was not an easy feat.  It must have been the child I was carrying in my womb that gave me the strength and courage to face my boss that day.  I proposed an arrangement wherein I would just handle the few cases that I had brought, and continue to bring into the firm.  This would instantly cut my work load to more than half, allowing me more time with my family, future child and life as a mother.  The best part about this arrangement is that I get to work in my own home.

Consequently, when my breast-feeding months came to a close, I was able to put up two more businesses that also allowed me to work from home.  Though I must admit that lately, the number of my meetings has increased, at least my daughter is past 2 years old, and as much as possible, I set the meetings in my own home.

The term “present mom” is actually not a new term for me.  My own mother was also a wonderful “present mom.”  Although she ran her own furniture business, her office was set up in our home where she entertained her clients.

We lived in the US most of my childhood years. It was a full home with six children and two yayas.  Although our yayas would do most of the work around the house and would prepare all of the children for school and for supper each day, I remember my mother would still be the one to discipline us.  During her breaks in between her clients, she would play with us, read books to us and tell us stories of her youth.  Growing up in this type of environment made me realize that this is the same exact way I would like to raise my children one day.

There is no better way to let this arrangement happen, than by simply making it happen!  In the end, it is a conscious choice that both you and your husband should make.  But if you are willing to become a “present mom,” I, together with your child, or the child you are carrying in your womb, pray that you will be given the strength to make this arrangement happen.  Also, there is no better time to become a “present mom” than now.  Time is of the essence, especially when quantity over quality of time with your children seems to rule.