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FOR the
empty nester, the holidays are often long-awaited, but
they also can feel like an invasion for parents who have
begun to reacquaint themselves with the joys of a neater
home, a freer schedule and the absence of certain
annoying behaviors.
“As much
as you love them,” said Natalie Caine, who is the
founder of Empty Nest Support Services at
www.emptynestsupport.com, “they are in the shower
longer, on the cell phone late at night. They leave mugs
and dishes in the sink, wet towels on the floor, play
loud music.”
The
return of the kids—whether 19 or 29 or 39—is mostly a
happy occasion, but to be managed successfully, it
requires adjustments on everyone’s part and perhaps a
general lowering of expectations.
Jane
Isay, author of Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the
Delicate Relationship Between Adult Children and
Parents, said that when she interviewed adult children
for her book, she asked them about Thanksgiving.
“Well,
they started by saying they can last four days without
blowing up, and then they usually revise it down to
three,” she said.
Isay
believes the smell of the roasting turkey in the oven
actually can aggravate problems by stimulating the
“reptile brain”—the part of the brain that sends
“everyone regressing back to the time when the children
were small.”
“They
want to be treated like adults, but they leave laundry
in the living room,” Isay said. “They ask for advice,
but they don’t take it.... They want to stay out until 4
in the morning, but they’ve forgotten that parents are
awake waiting for them.”
Fran
Taylor, director of the wellness program at the College
of the Holy Cross in Worcester, Massachusetts, said
there also is the confusion over whether the returning
kid is to be treated like a guest.
“Do you
make them their favorite foods? Do you entertain them?
Or do you expect them to come home and do the chores?”
Taylor
asked.
Every
family has to find its own rhythms on this issue, she
said, but it’s important to articulate expectations.
She said
that for many families, it might be that the adult child
is treated like a guest for the first day, but by the
second day, it’s back to his or her more usual role in
the family.
Here’s
some advice about how to enjoy your returning adult
children without getting too frazzled.
Most
empty nesters are so thrilled to have their kids back
home that they tend to want to drop everything to make
time in their schedules for whenever their kids are
available. While you might want to be flexible, Caine
suggests you continue with exercise or other routines
that help keep you sane.
“If you
have a yoga class at 8 in the morning or take an
early-morning walk, don’t just sit around and wait for
them to wake up,” Caine said. “You don’t have to take
care of them anymore. You don’t have to be the good
mother or the good father, and even if you don’t have a
routine, get up, get dressed, get out the door. Make
some time just for you so you don’t feel used.”
Caine
also suggests avoiding too many questions or dispensing
too much advice.
“We ask
way too many questions. Just be there; just hang out,
share something,” Caine said.
For
parents, one of the more vexing aspects of these visits
home is that they aren’t really about visiting with the
family. Often, the adult child is eager to reconnect
with old friends.
Taylor
suggests comparing schedules early on, understanding
that the child is going to want to spend time with
friends, but carving out some family time as well.
Inevitably, plans will change. Isay advises parents not
to program their visiting children with many plans.
“If they
have a sense of autonomy,” it goes more smoothly, said
Isay. Don’t worry about their sleep schedule: Let them
sleep as long as they want. They probably need it.
Isay
says her policy is to follow her kids’ lead when they
come home: “I let them see me as much as they want and
no more.”
When she
spends time with her adult son, his wife and their
child, she’ll offer to take care of the child for a bit
so the parents can have free time.
She also
suggests finding out about activities—whether bowling or
movies or shopping—and encouraging family members to go
off and do whatever interests them for awhile. This
gives everyone a break from just hanging around the
house.
Caine
suggests letting adult kids know ahead if there are
certain rules or courtesies you would like observed
while home. She says it sometimes works to simply e-mail
them a note ahead of time or leave a note on their bed
at home. Such a note, she said, might tell the adult
child how excited you are about their return and could
acknowledge everyone’s changing roles, but it also can
lay down some rules for peaceful coexistence.
For
instance, she says, it might say, “OK, good news...no
curfew. OK, bad news...park the car on the street since
you come home later and we have to get out the door
before you.” On curfews, by the way, the experts say you
really can’t expect an adult child to follow one, but
you can ask them to call you if it appears they are
going to get home later than they expected.
Or the
note might issue instructions about putting dishes in
the dishwasher, picking up clothes or not putting empty
milk cartons back in the refrigerator. Putting it on
paper might be easier for an adult child who doesn’t
want to be told what to do.
“What
kids really want is for you to start seeing them in a
new way,” Caine said. |
