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A FEW
weeks ago, we sought Dr. Randy Misael Sebastian
Dellosa’s comment about the confessions of the
four single mothers featured recently in this space.
Everyone’s favorite life coach described the women as
“inspiring and empowering. The basic lesson they impart
is that despite the challenges and hardships of single
parenting, they still have the power of choice. They can
choose to be happy, choose to live their lives fully,
and choose to nurture a meaningful relationship between
themselves and their children.”
Backed
by 25 years of experience in his chosen field, Dr.
Dellosa has been called many names: life coach,
counselor, psychotherapist, clinical psychologist,
physician and psychiatrist.
His face
may look familiar to many because he’s been a favorite
guest-adviser on various talk shows on TV. He is the
only Filipino who is both a psychiatrist (MD) and a
doctor of psychology (PsyD).
 A
product of the University of the Philippines-Diliman and
Far Eastern University-Institute of Medicine, he was
also awarded a Doctor of Psychology degree with honors
(cum laude) by the Southern California University for
Professional Studies. For more than 15 years, he worked
at the Makati Medical Center and Veterans Memorial
Medical Center.
Dr.
Dellosa is the man behind the Life Change Recovery
Center, a treatment facility for drug dependents and
psychiatric patients. He is also cofounder and charter
president of the Philippine Association of Christian
Counselors.
The
tribute continues and in an online interview, Dr.
Dellosa enlightened us on the issues faced by single
mothers.
What are
the common emotional problems that single mothers face?
Single
mothers have multitude of problems and concerns which
they worry about. First of all, they have to contend
with the stigma of being a single mother. Particularly,
if a single mother is young and unwed, people will have
a tendency to pity her and perceive her as someone
ignorant about relationships, emotionally immature, even
sexually impulsive.
Her
reputation is considered tarnished and her future
ruined. Likewise, women who become single mothers after
separating from their husbands are perceived to be
lonely, shattered and incomplete individuals. Due to
this stigma, single mothers may harbor a strong sense of
shame, guilt and alienation from society.
Ultimately, what a single mom needs is acceptance,
understanding, and emotional support from those around
her. Another emotional problem single mothers face is
anger toward their ex-partners. With ongoing conflict,
it can become difficult to negotiate financial support,
visitations, childhood rearing and other concerns. Such
estranged couples may need the help of professional
counseling to resolve serious differences so that they
can focus more on the interests of their child.
A third
problem which single mothers commonly worry about is
financial security. Single mothers need not only a
stable job but an income that can meet the growing
demands of rearing a child by themselves. Their degree
of worry escalates if their ex-partners are unwilling or
do not have the capacity to provide financial support.
Last, single mothers can become frustrated that their
life options have narrowed. Because they need to focus
on child rearing and earning a decent income, they
necessarily have to give up some of their personal
goals, ambitions and interests.
What
kind of emotional impact does it have on the children?
And how should the mother deal with it?
Children
are more perceptive and sensitive than we think. They
can sense the emotional climate of their surroundings
and are greatly affected by their mother’s emotional
state. When children are constantly exposed to their
mother’s negative emotions, they begin to imbibe the
same emotions and these negative emotions begin to color
the children’s attitudes toward life. It is no surprise
that research confirms that children of single parents
carry a higher-than-normal risk for developing mental
illness, depression and drug abuse as they get older.
There is also a greater risk for these children to
become single parents themselves. To raise happy
children, single mothers need to be models of happiness
for their children. They cannot expect their children to
be happy when they themselves are not.
Do you
think our macho culture has accepted single mothers,
given that such culture could be blamed for their
existence?
Filipino
society still operates on gender-based double standards.
Although males may have perpetrated the “crime,” it is
easier for them to go scot-free and simply dump the
responsibilities and the burden of single parenting on
the woman. Unfortunately, this double standard is
reinforced when single mothers quietly resign to their
fate as “victims.”
What
advice can you give to single mothers who are left on
their own in child rearing and making a living?
Single
mothers need all the emotional support they can get.
Sources for emotional support include family members,
friends, support-groups for single moms, reading
materials on single parenting, and religious
organizations. It is also advisable for single mothers
to go through a number of counseling sessions. Through
the guidance of a counselor, single mothers can deal
with any unresolved emotional issues they have with
their ex-partner, learn how to cope with stress and
problems, and discuss ways to becoming better single
parents for their children. Ideally, children also need
to receive counseling sessions before they hit puberty.
Single mothers need to heal from their wounds, pick up
the broken pieces of their lives, focus on the present
and future, be a positive and loving role model for
their children, and adopt a proactive attitude in
dealing with the challenges of single parenting.
***Dr. Randy Dellosa’s clinic is at Unit 302, third
floor, 57 Examiner corner Times streets, West Triangle,
Quezon City, with contact numbers (632) 415-6529,
415-7964 or 731-4016. For more information, visit
www.randydellosa.com. |
