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‘NEVERagain.” That’s what Karen Neff (neé Villarica)
thought of marriage after separating from her husband
Antonio Reina in 1999. She and Antonio ran a successful
costume-jewelry business out of
Cebu, the biggest exporter of its kind in the country. Back then,
her normal life consisted of meeting with suppliers,
running after letters of credit and bankers, and dealing
with the deadlines of their buyers. “During the 17 years
of marriage, my life was work, husband and children—in
that order,” Karen begins her narration.
It got
to a point that she no longer felt satisfied with what
she was doing, either in work or in her marriage. And
despite her three wonderful kids with Antonio—Mozart,
now 24; Andrea, 22; and Mara, 20—Karen felt it was time
for her to leave that life. She could no longer deal
with the stress of the work, adding that she just felt
sapped after “giving” her time and attention to
everybody...except herself. “There was something missing
in my life that I could not put my finger on. My heart
was no longer in the marriage. I did not find any
fulfillment in staying together. The marriage was no
longer relevant—and I opted to live separately.”
It may
sound trite, but Karen did a bit of soul-searching, and
went to Harbin Hot Springs, a popular wellness center in
Lake County in Northern California. She enrolled in all
of the spa’s classes in a bid to free herself from the
issues that had been plaguing her. “It was a difficult
period,” she says of the time after her separation from
her husband. “Emotions were fragile, and doubts whether
I did the right thing would come up ever so often.”
The
product of those intensive classes, and more wellness
training around Asia, was the establishment of Mandala
Spa in Boracay. It was there where I first met Karen in
November 2001, just when she first opened the spa, the
very first of its kind in the country. “I have lived a
privileged life...it was time to give back and make a
difference, so I built a spa.”
Despite
the rather exciting opportunities of meeting new people
as she ran her spa, Karen still kept very much to
herself, which one might regard as not exactly the path
to pursue if one wanted to find love again. After all,
while she banged shut her doors on marriage, Karen
wasn’t exactly locking those doors and throwing away the
key to meeting a significant other. “I am not a social
person and going out to bars and restos was not my
thing. While I did want to have someone to share my life
with, I guess it was not high on the priority list as I
did nothing about it. I continued to stay home and
contemplate about life.” She says many people would
probably find her life rather “boring.”
So it
was with great joy when sometime in 2006, while visiting
the spa for my usual Shodhana Karma treatment, I found
out that Karen had gotten married. She wasn’t in the
country at the time, but I looked forward to getting
together with her again so I could ask her to spill all
the lurid (!) details of her romance with Tom Neff. She
later tells me that Tom had been an insurance broker for
years before getting on a wellness kick, which he has
been in for about 15 years now.
She met
Tom in the
US
in September 2004—he was a student, while she was an
assistant instructor in a Watsu class. (To those who
still haven’t tried Watsu, it is a treatment based on
Zen shiatsu, so it’s basically a massage, only done in
water. I recommend it as a way to relax or purge oneself
of negative vibes.) Karen says Tom just asked her if he
could join her for breakfast one day, and so they
chatted a lot “and found we had things in common—been
there, done that, etc.” He also was married for 22 years
and has four children from that marriage—three girls and
one boy with ages ranging from 16 to 24.
Initially, it was a relationship carried over Skype, no
less. Karen and Tom would spend hours—“at one point,
eight hours nonstop”—talking about anything and
everything. It was obvious there was a connection, but
at the time they were not yet lovers. Moreover, Tom
appeared to have been having second thoughts about
pursuing her. After agreeing to visit Karen for
Christmas 2004, he backed out and told her he wasn’t
ready for a long-distance relationship.
But in
April 2005, Tom e-mailed Karen telling her that he
couldn’t get her off his mind. So Karen told him she was
going to the US that June and if he wanted, they could
meet. “We did, and fell in love. In October he came to
visit for two weeks. I went over for Christmas and
stayed for three weeks.” In between visits, they were
always connected via the Internet (thank you, Al Gore,
woohoo!).
In
February 2006 Karen says she surprised Tom by flying out
to the US to celebrate Valentine’s Day with him. Then in
May, he went to Boracay for another visit. “During a
stormy night,” Karen recalls, “he asked me, ‘What is
your heart’s deepest desire?’ It didn’t take me long to
think and said, ‘For us to be married.’ Was that a
proposal???” “I then heard him say, ‘Yes.’ ‘Yes what?’ I
asked. ‘Yes, let’s get married.’ Hahaha! I had to think
about that!”
So with
that, the couple flew to
Cebu a week later to tell Karen’s kids the news. “Mara was
delighted. The two boys were worried that I would forget
that I had kids. But they all love Tom and, seeing how
happy we are together, have come to love him, too.”
D-Day
came on
July 20, 2006. Karen in a teal blue dress with spaghetti straps and
intricate embroidery, Tom in a gray tuxedo with an ivory
vest and tie over a white shirt, and with about 40 close
friends and family around them, they were married in
Lake Tahoe by a minister-friend in ceremonies that they
themselves scripted. “There were no vows of ‘forever and
forever, ’til death do us part,’” she stresses.
In
describing their relationship, Karen says it is one
based on personal responsibility. “I am responsible for
my feelings and emotions, and there is nothing that Tom
has to do about them. Likewise, he is responsible for
his. We find that because we have no expectations of
each other, there is nothing to argue about. I do not
need him and neither does he need me. We enjoy being
together as our lives are enriched by the union. And
neither do we have any expectations about how long our
relationship will last—we live each day fully. From the
first day that we met, we have not had a moment of
discord. It’s been very blissful!”
Karen
believes that you cannot find love; it finds you. It is
something I, too, believe in, because I’ve been lucky
enough to find it a few times, and lost it along the
way, but never, ever with regret in my heart. And I
know, God willing, if the time is right and it’s meant
to be, I will find it again.
“Experience tells me that there is nothing to do [when
trying to find love again]. Instead, be—be who you are,
live your truth, speak your truth. Do not pretend to be
someone who you’re not. Love yourself with all your
strengths and weaknesses. Be genuine.”
She says
love is out there, waiting for everyone. “One only has
to say, ‘Yes!’” It is saying yes to life and for what is
in store for you. Be adventurous! Love life! Don’t hang
on to what is not working—be available for change!”
Speaking
of change, Tom has sold his business and all his assets
in the US and has moved to Boracay permanently to be
with Karen. “Our plan is to spend the summers in the US
to be with the kids,” she adds. From May 1 to 4, Karen
and Tom will not only be sharing their love but their
wellness work with others. They are conducting a “Living
Yoga” retreat in Mandala Spa, Boracay, where
participants will be encouraged to break through
self-limiting and self-immobilizing thoughts and
behaviors through yoga practice.
***For
particulars, contact (036) 288 5858 or visit
http://www.mandalaspa.com. |
