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I
morphed into a fly once again. This time to spy on an
Enchanted Kingdom campaign strategy session.
The
meeting began with the reading of an excerpt from Alex
Magno’s regular fantasy column in another daily.
Secretary BS, the Queen’s spinmeister, did the honors.
He read the excerpt aloud, “[T]he administration ticket
has its pick of the field. With a surfeit of candidates,
the ruling coalition parties had the luxury not only of
picking the most winnable ones but also of building a
balanced team that optimizes voter-attractiveness across
regions.”
“How’s
that for gospel on our senatorial slate?” he asked the
group.
Governor
Jueteng remarked, “That would be fine if nobody knew the
Queen couldn’t even convince some of her own Cabinet to
run on her ticket.”
BS
insisted: “Her Majesty did not have a hard time
convincing anyone to run on her ticket!”
Secretary Hot Papa intervened. He said, “Let’s stop this
useless argument. Serge will remind BS what he told the
press.”
“Do I
have to?” pleaded the Queen’s legal counsel. “I already
apologized to the Queen for revealing it.”
“Just do
it,” commanded HP.
“Okay,”
relented Serge Apostol. “I told the press, ‘The problem
is that the President wants them to run. It’s really
difficult to assemble 12. Why would anyone insist on
running and spend money when they already have a
government position?’”
“Remember that, Mr. BS?” sneered Governor Jueteng.
“Let’s
stop this nonsense over negatives. Let’s talk about
something positive,” HP ordered.
Butch
Pichay obeyed immediately. He recited, “With the
administration’s political machinery, the coalition and
the media campaign, I don’t see any reason why the
administration ticket will not win.”
Gabby
Claudio went a step further. He promised, “we will make
sure that there are less members of Congress who will be
in support of [an] impeachment bid.”
That was
the cue for the Queen to take over the meeting. She
updated the Team on the status of her vaunted political
machinery and machinations—her political “machicanery,”
to coin a shorter description of her means and methods.
“Here’s
the good news,” she began, “Garci’s lieutenants were
quietly prepositioned to sensitive Comelec positions in
the ARMM and Caraga regions, while the entire country
was distracted by the ‘people’s initiative.’
“Cirilo
Naja Jr. was appointed Caraga regional director;
Franciso Pobe, Caraga assistant regional director; Ray
Sumalipao, ARMM regional director; Renato Magbutay,
Region VI director; and Renault Macarambon to head
Comelec’s Election and Barangay Affairs. They will
guarantee that the vote-count stays ‘fair and square’
like 2004.” (Raucous cheering.)
“Furthermore,” she continued, “Comelec has ordered the
printing of an extra four million ballots—just in case.”
(More cheers.)
“And I’d
like to remind you,” she added, “our Ombudsgirl
suspended potential problematic local officials and our
security forces are holding Erap incommunicado because
of an assassination threat uncovered, in a timely
fashion if I may say so myself, by no less than Norbie
Gonzalez, my security blanket.”
“And
that’s not all,” she teased. “I’ve saved the best for
last. . . Drum roll please. . . Introducing. . . ABDARON!
. . .The Abalos-Ebdane-Esperon Trio!
. . .Tonight they will sing their soon-to-be-a-hit song,
‘It’s Flexible’. . .”
Ebdane
started crooning, “That memo of agreement is flexible
and if the chief of staff and any other saw it fit that
it must be further defined, the better . . .”
Esperon
choo-choo-waahed, “The MOA can be reviewed. . .”
Abalos
harmonized, “Selective deputization is allowed because
we have received feedback that there are teachers who
are apprehensive to perform poll duties without military
men around them.”
Ebdane
closed out the song screaming, “Boom tarat-tarat! What’s
your problem? “
The Team
went wild.
“Let’s
rename them The Clinchers!” someone shouted.
“Let’s
call them Abracadabra!” hollered another.
Campaign
director Reli German was so happy with what transpired
at the meeting, he told Alex Magno’s newspaper: “The
campaign is off to a good start and by all indications
this augurs well for our victory in May.”
German
augured well. The ogres have been working hard. Come
canvassing time, they will make 2004 look amateurish by
comparison. Boom tarat-tarat!
Buencamino writes political commentary for Action for
Economic Reforms (www.aer.ph). |
