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I MET G.
a couple of years ago to do a profile on her and her
company for a glossy magazine. She struck me as one of
those cool women who were smart and sexy and knew
exactly what they wanted in life. Since then, we’ve
struck up a casual friendship and have kept in touch
largely through Facebook. I always look forward to her
new photos with her “boys,” her two teenage sons who
obviously adore their mom to death, and their travels
together.
But like
most of the confident self-assured women I’ve met in the
last couple of years, G. is also unattached. In her
particular case, she is separated from her husband.
I am
single and have never been married, and I’ve always
found it a tad difficult to remain engaged in the dating
game. Like many single gals in their 40s, I’ve reached a
particular stage in my life where I know what I like and
dislike in a man, or in a relationship.
But I
often wondered how women like G. would do in this arena.
Because of her youthful looks and killer bod, I’d
presumed that G. would have no problem snaring all the
available men she would meet following her separation.
And, certainly, this Valentine’s Day, she probably would
have a lot of them lined up at her door just begging to
be her date on this red-letter day.
G.,
however, dismisses all my assumptions with a laugh and
says she doesn’t even believe in dating. She also feels
that she “attracts losers!” Oh, wow, this I couldn’t
believe! I wanted to find out more about her take on
dating and why, despite her obvious gorgeousness and
availability, she still hasn’t found Mr. Right. In the
first place, is she actually looking for him?
“I don’t
date. With the kind of life that I lead now, I am just
too busy maintaining everything at a sane pace. Of
course, I still dream of meeting someone, but I just
don’t have the time.” She adds that she isn’t the type
to actually go out and seek out the men like most young
single girls probably would, like go to bars and party
every night and such.
But like
most women with well-meaning friends who just want them
to be happy in a relationship, G. admits that she’s had
to give in and allow her friends to set her up on dates.
“Friends have always told me to date or sometimes they
will bug me because they have someone they want me to
meet. But, honestly, I am not into the dating scene. I
do give in, once in a while, but I tell you, one look at
the guy and I know if it’s going to be a long night or
coffee or dinner—you know what I mean? I don’t know, but
I think I attract a lot of losers. Sometimes I wonder
if I come across as too strong that weaklings naturally
find it attractive—parang to harbor ba?”
She adds
that her teenage sons are actually open to the idea of
her dating or pursuing a relationship. “But I guess,
it’s not my time yet...[or] I think I am too old for
[it]. Besides, my work already makes me meet a lot of
people and, by the end of the day, I am just too pooped
to go out and meet some dork. So I’d rather go home and
cozy up with a good book. Perhaps, you think I’m too
jaded na, but I just don’t like the dating game
where the guy would try to impress me. I see a lot of
those in my ‘field’ already.”
But I
also think G.—like most unattached women who are already
past 40—just has slimmer chances of meeting available
and date-able guys in the same age group. By their late
20s, most men are already hitched. Even government
statistics will bear this out: there are actually more
single, separated, or widowed women than men who are in
the same categories. Imagine all these gorgeous
unattached women fighting over a handful of bachelors or
available men? (Or what another bitchy gal pal
derisively calls “scraps!”)
“I think
I look young for my age because younger men are ‘warming
up’ to me—which makes me kind of wary because I am done
with mothering.” (Loka! Just think of yourself
as Demi Moore to their Ashton Kutchers!)
G. also
thinks that she comes “across as too strong, and I don’t
think men like that. Well, that’s their problem, not
mine.”
But G.
isn’t closing her doors to finding love again. She
confesses that there’s someone she likes whom she met at
work, but because he isn’t based in the country,
pursuing the relationship could just be too complicated.
“There is this guy and we still maintain contact after
all these years; meet up whenever our schedules allow. I
am fine with that arrangement for now. I think I am too
set in my ways that it will be difficult to again adjust
to the demands typical in a relationship.”
Does she
have any advice for women who are in the same spot as
her? How does one get back into the groove, so to speak,
when it comes to men and dating after going through a
separation or divorce?
“You
know, there’s nothing wrong with dating or going out
again. It just didn’t happen to me because we all have
different priorities. I was too set on making things
work with myself and my family. I guess, being
ambitious, competitive and a go-getter make it doubly
difficult, because my sights are aimed on something
else. But if your friends egg you on to date, by all
means, go ahead! What is important is that first and
foremost, know yourself. Do you want to date or have a
man because you feel incomplete? If that’s the case,
you’re already doomed! Don’t! That’s a sure formula for
failure and it will be a vicious circle, woman! No one
can complete you or make you feel you better but
yourself. Work on yourself first—that, I think, is the
best step to take when you’ve just gone through a
separation or divorce.
“Listen
to yourself, your body signals. They usually warn you
if you are going into a wrong relationship. Don’t be
fooled by the giddy feeling of being in love. Don’t be
in love with the idea of falling in love. I know it’s
easier said than done but it can be done.
“And
lastly, never settle for anything less! We all deserve
the best! Darn! Life is already difficult as it is and
settling for someone mediocre is selling yourself short!
It’s adding to the burden that we all have, one way or
another.”
Amen,
sistah! |
